The Journey Along My Path

Before getting well into this journey of healing that I am now fully involved in, I didn’t think that there was anything wrong with suicide or euthanasia. It seemed to me to be a choice that if acceptable to the person on the receiving end then it should be nobody else’s business and should be ignored by the rest of the world. I have certainly had my eyes opened since then.

I must accept the premise that before embarking on a new corporeal life to learn our lessons, we must have made a pact with our guide in the spirit world as to just how much freedom of action we would be allowed and how much help we would get from them. In my case there was a distinct lack of help forthcoming from them so I would have a maximum learning curve. This was coupled with complete freedom of action with one exception. I would not be allowed to die until I complete my job and all my lessons. The previous description of being saved in “Time and Time and Time Again” is only one of many instances where I was not allowed to be killed.

Here is one other such instance though not as dramatic as “Time and Time and Time Again” was.

I was working on my house at the top of an extension ladder about 15 feet up when the ladder fell over due to one of its feet sinking into the ground throwing it off balance. I did not have any choice but to let go and fall backward. There were a few short blocks of tree wood about 16 inches in diameter lying about and I fell squarely across one of them striking it with the side of my chest about half way up my ribcage. This should have broken my ribs sending the pieces through my lung or heart. I was home alone on this day as usual. After striking the log I froze in place and mentally checked myself over to see if it would cause further damage if I moved about. I could not detect any pain anywhere so I got up and felt for broken bones and found none. I lifted my shirt and there was not even the slightest bruise.

I put the ladder back up and after putting a flat stone under each leg, went back to work. I learned this lesson very quickly.

That was interesting but no more so than other such experiences I have had of a similar nature. The one I feel the need to describe here at length is remarkable even for me and caused me to change my life significantly as a result. In fact it put me on the path I am now following.

I have no idea how it started or why but, about 15 years ago I was gripped with depression. I’m not talking the, I feel down and don’t want to go to work, kind or the, I just don’t feel like going out or talking to anyone depression I have heard about. This was much worse by many degrees.

I spent every waking moment contemplating how I should commit suicide. When I finally decided after considering and discarding many scenarios during the almost two years I was plagued with this depression, I proceeded to complete the design I had come up with.

I am not a big fan of having pain and so decided that freezing to death would be a solution that would work for me. I did not want to cause my wife or children the shock of finding my body so decided to die elsewhere. I signed the house over to my wife and took out a life insurance policy to benefit her. I secretly gathered a few essentials in my backpack, purchased an airline ticket to Alaska and departed. When I arrived at my destination I rented a motel room for a night before beginning my trek to an outlying area where I had decided that my life would end.

Intervention 1.

I was reading the local newspaper that was left in my room and for some reason I was drawn to the classified ads where I found an ad for a cook at a restaurant/motel on the Yukon River. I have a lot of experience as a cook and for no apparent reason to me now as I look back, I got excited over the prospect of going to work there and called them. They set up an appointment for an interview with me the next day. I rented a car and drove to the restaurant where I met the owners, a very pleasant older couple. I explained in depth that their restaurant did not present any problems to my cooking prowess. I gave them some references as they requested then they told me that they would let me live there free of charge in addition to being paid for my position as cook. They told me they would check my references and call me when they had made a decision. I was very excited for the entire 3 hour drive back to my motel.

As I sat in the motel that night the elation of the day started to wear off and I remembered why I was here in the first place and it wasn’t to get a job. By the time I fell asleep I had decided to leave the next morning on the last leg of my trip.

Early the next morning the phone rang and it was the woman who owned the restaurant. She informed me that they would like me to start the next day. I made some excuse why I had to turn down the job and hung up.

Intervention 2.

I packed up my gear, returned the rental car and started my walk to the area where I had decided to spend my last days which was about 80 miles away toward the south.

I had not gone but 10 miles when I realized that I had brought the wrong shoes for this length of a hike. I had only my high-top soft soled boots with no arch support at all. Walking soon became painful indeed. I decided to try hitchhiking and after about an hour I procured a short ride of about 5 miles toward my destination. I started walking again and my feet immediately started to ache. Hitchhiking for the next 8 hours with many stops to rest my feet, availed me nothing. As it started to turn dusk I decided to leave the road and make camp for the night.

Intervention 3.

As I lay in my tent I knew that I could never walk the remaining 50 – 60 miles that remained. As I pondered my predicament I could hear the traffic speeding down the highway I had been walking along all day. Traffic died down though never completely stopping. I could hear a wolf howling in the far distance and noticed that there was a full moon with just some wispy clouds to add to the haunting effect of the howling. It was beautiful and I started to relax and loose myself in the night and it felt very good. Before I fell asleep it again entered my mind why I was here and that my feet would not allow me to make it to the destination I had chosen. As I was considering this and what I could do about it since I had only gotten the one short ride the entire preceding day, the sound of the traffic again came to my attention. The passing traffic seemed to be made up of almost all large trucks, 18 wheelers.

My new plan leaped to mind in a flash. I would leave all my belongings here at the place where I was camping, including my shoes, and go out to the edge of the highway and wait for the next truck to come by. At that time I would run out in front of the speeding truck as though in a panic and dive head first into the front bumper and be dead in a flash. I reasoned that by leaving everything in disarray including my boots it would suggest that I may have been chased out by an animal into the oncoming traffic and been run over by accident allowing my wife to collect the insurance.

Intervention 4.

The trucks had been coming at the rate of about one per minute so I knew I would not have to wait long. I got things arranged in a convincing manner and hiked in my stocking feet out to the bushes at the edge of the highway and crouched down so I could not be seen before making my dash into the road. A passenger car went by and I would not run in front of it as the driver and passengers may be hurt by my actions and that was not in my plan. I waited. Soon another passenger car passed. I waited crouched in my hiding spot still. After a long period another passenger car passed. I could not fathom what happened to all the truck traffic I had been hearing just before coming to my hiding place.

After quite some time it started to get light out and still no trucks. When it became light enough where a truck driver might see me as I ran into the road I decided to give it up due to the possibility they might see me in time to swerve and possibly cause a wreck and hurt someone else. I turned and walked back to my camp site.

I sat and started putting on my boots when I noticed a familiar sound coming from the road, trucks, one after another in a steady stream about 30 – 60 seconds apart. I packed up my gear leaving some on the ground that I decided would lighten my load and possibly make walking easier. I trudged out to the highway again and with aching feet I was in pain before I got 20 feet down the road.

I stuck out my thumb for a ride as I made my way down the road, no luck on this front was forthcoming.

Intervention 5.

I soon came to a spot where the highway passed over a low dry wash bed via a bridge. I could see the far end of the bridge about 200 yards away and noted that the road dropped down on the far side and curved slightly to the left. I reasoned that this would make a good place to wait for a truck to come along to mask my intentions. I would then appear to stumble out in front of the truck, which would not be far from the truth as I could hardly walk.

I no longer attempted to hitchhike but made the best time I could to the far end of the bridge with trucks and cars passing me all the while. When I was about 20 feet from the end of the bridge an older Chevy SUV pulled over in front of me blocking my path with a man and his young son inside. When I approached he asked me where I was bound and if I would like a ride. It turned out that they were going right past my destination. They took me all the way to my destination. I got out of their SUV and took my gear thanking them and started off toward the river as they drove off. Amazingly my feet did not seem to bother me anymore.

Intervention 6.

The place that I had them drop me at was along a river. After walking up stream for a while and enjoying the beauty of the area I decided on a spot to pitch camp and wait for the cold I knew to be coming soon. I set my tent along a row of dense bushes about 30 feet from the river’s edge. I decided to lie down and sleep for a while. Just as I lay down I heard a noise from outside that I recognized as a large bear on the other side of the bushes next to my tent. It was moving around slightly which was just enough to let me know it was there and what it was that was making the noise.

As I lay looking up at the roof of my tent I decided that this would be a great way to die, in a fight with a giant brown bear. Having not even gotten my boots off, I stood up, unzipped my tent door and stepped outside. I stood there for a moment and listened and again came the sound of the bear moving around as though rolling over in the leaves.

It had started to lightly rain and while standing for a couple of minutes it turned to a very light snow. I decided not to wait any longer and pulled the 4 inch boot knife from my boot and said out loud something to the effect, its time, come on. I thought that the sound of my voice would entice the bear to attack.

I heard the bear stand and shake the water from its fur making a sound like holding a wet throw rug in each hand and shaking them as hard as you can. I braced myself for the charge that I knew was eminent and waited.

Perhaps a minute went by and I then heard the bear lie back down where it had been before. I waited and waited and was just about to speak to the bear again when I heard and felt a presence telling me to stop. It continued to say simply, “It is not time for you to die. You have too much left to do. Go home now!”

You could have knocked me over with a feather. I had never experienced anything like this before. As I look back now I realize that the depressed condition I had been laboring under had left me and all I could think about was getting back to my life as it was before any of this depression had happened.

What could I do but break camp, pack up and try to make it back to the airport 100 miles away. As I worked at breaking down my camp I occasionally heard the bear move around letting me know it was still there but indicating no aggression at all. I knew the bear would not bother me but was a friend.

Intervention 7.

After getting my pack on my back I started to walk toward the road. About 200 feet from the road I noticed some trucks and boats about 100 yards or so downstream from me. I walked down to where they were and asked if anyone was going toward town that could give me a ride. A group of the men pointed at one man near another truck and told me he was about to leave.

I asked the indicated man if I could get a ride into town. He said he would and we drove out of the riverside area and on to the highway and headed north. He asked me where I was going and I told him to the airport. He said he wasn’t going that far but would take me there anyway. I offered to pay him what I could. He replied that he would not accept payment as one of the men I had met on the river had just helped him out by towing his boat back from where he had been stranded and would not accept payment for helping him. Thus, helping me was his way of paying the other man back for helping him with his boat.

At the airport I booked a flight and after a very short wait, departed and arrived home without incident.

The outcome.

After this experience I never had a problem with depression again. Though over the intervening years I have felt the emotions which had deepened my depression but only as a fleeting wispy glimpse at the depressing state that such thoughts would have once engulfed me in. My only reaction has been to recognize it for what it is and how it had once affected me but the feeling is gone as quickly as it is recognized.